The Roast of Owen
by XXTheCakeIsALieXX
Summary: Your favorite TDI campers get together to roast everyone's favorite tub of lard, Owen!


**The Roast of Owen**

**Summary**: Your favorite TDI campers get together to roast everyone's favorite tub of lard, Owen!

I got the idea from all those Roasts on Comedy Central, specifically the Roast of Joan Rivers. Have fun!

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Thousands of people are gathered in a theater. On the stage in front of them is a podium with a microphone, and a red curtain sits behind it.

From behind the curtain steps a teenage boy, dressed in a Guns n Roses t-shirt, ratty blue jeans, and sandals. He steps in front of the podium and speaks into the microphone.

"Welcome, fans of Total Drama Island," he says with a wide grin. "To the Roast of Owen! I'm your host and roast-master, XXTheCakeIsALieXX, but you can call me Jacob."

The crowd bursts into wild cheering.

"For those of you who have no idea what this is, allow me to explain. A roast is when a bunch of people get together and make fun of a certain person through jokes, insults, and stories (both true and fictional). The fact that the roastee can take these jokes in good faith and not get pissed off shows their good nature.

"Now, before we get started, I have two things to say. One; your favorite TDI characters _will_ be bashed in this story. Bashed without mercy. Also, know that I am not a comedian. I will try and think of my own jokes for this story, but I will occasionally steal a joke from another form of media. If either of those things sound unappealing to you, then I suggest you click that 'back' button on the corner of your screen and get the **(Bleep!) **out of here."

He waits a minute before speaking again. "Now that all the prudes are gone (hopefully)," he gestures to the curtain behind him. "It's time to meet our eight celebrity roasters!"

The crowd cheers as the curtain rises. On the left side of the stage are eight chairs, each filled by a TDI character, and on the right is a single large, unoccupied chair.

"Gwen!" the goth girl smiles politely as the audience cheers.

"Trent!" the musician waves and strums his guitar.

"Duncan!" the punk grins and flips off the audience. This makes them cheer louder.

"Izzy!" the psycho jumps up in her chair and beats on her chest with a Tarzan-esque roar.

"Chef Hatchet!" the cook scowls at the audience.

"Chris McLean!"

"Thank you, thank you," the host says, waving to the audience. The cheering stops immediately, and Chris scowls. "Aah, **(Bleep!) **you all!"

"Cody!" Jacob says again, the tech geek flashing the peace sign to the audience. The cheering starts again, the fangirls cheering loudest. Some of the girls (and a few boys) throw their underwear up onstage to him.

"And Tyler!" the jock tries to jump up on his chair like Izzy did, but loses his footing and falls on his face.

"Well, there's our roster of roasters, and I have to say... They are all absolutley hideous! I mean, just look at Trent! I haven't seen a head that flat since I watch _Frankenstein_!"

The audience and roasters laugh, Trent included.

"And Duncan! Dude, I have to ask; what the hell is up with the green mohawk?! You look like a **(Bleep!)**in' Chia Pet!

"As for Gwen... Well, let me put it like this; you ever wonder what would happen if the creepy ghost boy from _The Grudge _and the creepy ghost girl from _The Ring _met each other at a bar one night, got drunk, and **(Bleep!)**ed each other?" he points to Gwen. "_That's _what their kid would look like.

"And Izzy... Well, she's not that bad looking, but she's frickin' insane! One time, her parents brought in a professional psychiatrist to try and figure out what makes Izzy crazy. After a few sessions, he wound up locked in a padded room, muttering 'Evil...' over and over again."

Izzy laughs hysterically, banging on the arms of her chair. "It's funny 'cause it's true!" she declares.

"And Tyler..." Jacob looks and the jock and shakes his head. "Dude, you are just awful. You absolutely suck at every sport you try. You're to sports what Greg Giraldo is to comedy!"

"You know, before Total Drama Island, Chef had his own TV show on the Food Network. It was called '100 Ways to Make Food out of Your Own Shit'."

"Chris... Well, let's just say that Chris knows the answer to the question 'Who do I have to **(Bleep!) **to get on TV?'."

"And last, but not least, there's Cody..." he looks at Cody, confused. "I gotta ask; what the **(Bleep!)**? Cody is short, scrawny, nerdy, has a gap in his teeth, is possibly homosexual... And yet he has more female fans then every other TDI character." he looks back at the audience. "Seriously people, what the **(Bleep!)**?

"But enough about these," he jabs a thumb in the direction of the eight roasters. "Worthless sacks of skin. We're here to honor the winner of the first season of Total Drama Island. So here he is..." a spotlight shines down on the right side of the stage. "Mr. One-hundred thousand dollars himself, the man who gives literal meaning to the term 'ton of fun', give it up for Owen!!"

Owen enters from stage right, wearing the same tuxedo he wore when he was kicked off Total Drama Action. The audience cheers wildly, and the roasters clap and cheer. As Owen makes his way to the large, empty chair, Izzy stands up and blows him a kiss. The giant swoons and drops down into his chair, causing the entire theater to shake slightly.

"Welcome to the show, Owen," Jacob says as the cheering dies down. "It is great to have you here, you are truly amazing. I mean, you were just some overweight Canadian kid just a few years ago, and now you're one of the most popular people in the world. And with good reason; you won one-hundred _thousand _dollars on Total Drama Island!" he looks over at a certain roaster. "One-hundred _thousand _dollars. One-hundred _thousand _dollars..." he looks back at the audience. "I just wanna see how many times I have to say it before Gwen over there kills herself.

"You know, not many people know this, but Owen's been on the TV long before TDI. As a child, he played an Oompa Loompa in _Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory_. He played the boulder in _Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark_, was a body double for Kathy Bates in _About Schmidt_... Oh, and he played the dead fat guy in _Se7en_."

Jacob looks over at Owen. "But seriously dude, all jokes aside, you are awesome. You're caring, lovable, fun to have at parties, and an all-around great guy. It is truly an honor to get up here on stage and say how much you suck." he turns back to the audience. "So let's all give Owen a big round of applause! Come on, lemme here you!"

The audience cheers and claps, as do the roasters. Jacob steps away from the podium and exchanges a high-five with Owen.

**To Be Continued...**

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**And the first chapter of this hate-fest comes to a close. Be sure to review and tell me if it was funny or awful!

Also, if you're wondering why I didn't just give this story an "M" rating, it's because I didn't think this story would get much attention if it was rated M. Maybe after this gets some fans, I'll take out the censors and up the rating.

While we're on the topic, you know what I find odd? On the Roast of Joan Rivers, they censored f%ck, c#ck, and c&nt, but didn't censor shit. Weird.

But, enough rambling. Stay tuned for the next chapter, where our first roaster takes a crack at the giant, myself, and the other roasters! Who is it? I'll save that for next chapter!

Peace!

-XXTheCakeIsALieXX


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